Yesterday I went to church, as I do just about every Sunday. I walked into the chapel and saw some extra paraphernalia scattered about: a silver bowl with cloths, a vial of oil, a pitcher of water, and extra candles. It turns out there was going to be a baptism! From the moment the family came in with their little baby girl dressed all in white, I knew I was in trouble.
I cried the entire hour…tissue, after tissue…I willed myself to stop acting like an ass, but I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t crying tears of joy for this family (although I was happy for them). I was crying tears of frustration and sadness.
Throughout this adoption process, I have been relatively upbeat…I do tear up at baby showers, pregnant friends, new adoptions, etc. I have never one cried my eyes out thinking, “Why not me?!” Well, until yesterday, that is.
After the service, two members of the parish came to me and just said, “You look like you need a hug…” And I got one. That helped a lot. I also explained why I was acting like a jerk, and they said to pray…but not for a baby…to pray for the strength to endure this trial. Maybe that’s what my problem is…I’ve been praying for a baby all this time. I never once thought about just praying for strength, although that makes the most sense.
The thing about adoption is that it’s pretty much a sure thing…you will get a baby eventually. It may be in 2 months, it may be in 2 years (let’s hope not), but you WILL get one. So praying/asking/wishing/hoping for a baby is pretty dumb, I see in hindsight. I should be praying for the strength to endure however long this adoption takes. I have also started using Mala beads (thanks, Jen!) for my affirmations/meditations. So, I will start doing just that…praying for strength.
Who do I pray to, you ask? Whoever will listen!