How am I not myself?

This blog serves as personal therapy, stress relief, information sharing, and the occasional sanity check. Enjoy!

Caught Off Guard January 12, 2009

Filed under: Adoption — My Dysfunctional Life @ 1:59 pm

Yesterday I went to church, as I do just about every Sunday. I walked into the chapel and saw some extra paraphernalia scattered about: a silver bowl with cloths, a vial of oil, a pitcher of water, and extra candles. It turns out there was going to be a baptism! From the moment the family came in with their little baby girl dressed all in white, I knew I was in trouble.

I cried the entire hour…tissue, after tissue…I willed myself to stop acting like an ass, but I couldn’t help it. I wasn’t crying tears of joy for this family (although I was happy for them). I was crying tears of frustration and sadness.

Throughout this adoption process, I have been relatively upbeat…I do tear up at baby showers, pregnant friends, new adoptions, etc. I have never one cried my eyes out thinking, “Why not me?!” Well, until yesterday, that is.

After the service, two members of the parish came to me and just said, “You look like you need a hug…” And I got one. That helped a lot. I also explained why I was acting like a jerk, and they said to pray…but not for a baby…to pray for the strength to endure this trial. Maybe that’s what my problem is…I’ve been praying for a baby all this time. I never once thought about just praying for strength, although that makes the most sense.

The thing about adoption is that it’s pretty much a sure thing…you will get a baby eventually. It may be in 2 months, it may be in 2 years (let’s hope not), but you WILL get one. So praying/asking/wishing/hoping for a baby is pretty dumb, I see in hindsight. I should be praying for the strength to endure however long this adoption takes. I have also started using Mala beads (thanks, Jen!) for my affirmations/meditations. So, I will start doing just that…praying for strength.

Who do I pray to, you ask? Whoever will listen!

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4 Responses to “Caught Off Guard”

  1. Alison Says:

    I am so sorry for your hard day yesterday. I do totally get it. I had a hard time even going to church for awhile. It was just too difficult being aorund kids. but that was when we were TTC. Once we started the adoption journey I knew in my heart that we were “expecting”. But you are right – what I learned awhile ago was not to pray for the specifi thing that you think you want (ie. for a relationship to work out, for a specific job, etc) but pray for either teh strength you need to pull through, or the feeling that you think you would get if you actually gotr that tthing. so if you wnated a different job, instead of praying for that job pray for financial security or job satisfaction etc. God doesn’t always answers our prayers in the way that we think He should. But there is a Plan. That is why the Serenity Prayer has been my favorite.

    God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change;
    The courage to change the things I can;
    and the wisdom to know the difference.

    I have said that pray every night for several years. Last year I added a new one:

    Dear God,
    Bless me indeed;
    Enlarge my territory;
    Place your hand on me;
    And keep me from evil.

    I didn’t make this up, either. I got this from the Jabez Prayer ?for women. I love it bc if you really think about the meaning behind each line it applies to so much. I really liked the “place your hand on me” part bc that reminds me that God is there, if we allow Him, to comfort us, provide us with strength, to calm our fears etc.

  2. Michele G. Says:

    I totally agree with Alison. I too always said “Why me??!!” but in the end I had to “stop feeling sorry for myself” as there were plenty out there with the same problem, and thoughts! My hard time was definitely the last Christmas before Thomas came into our lives… I remember one time literally getting up in the middle of the mass in church and just walking out! I know Kevin was a little embarrased but he understood and did not say a word….Like all adoptive parents to be….we have good days and bad….sometimes it is very hard for other people to understand. I always said that if the person actually did not have to go through this process…then they have no idea what it is like…I always had respect for those who would say to me ” I feel bad for you, though I cannot fully understand what you are going through, because I did not have to go through it.” Time is what we have……it is just hard to “bide our time” when it feels like it is forever.

  3. Molly Says:

    Michelle~I totally understand your feelings. I can remember sobbing like a fool in church a few different times and actually getting up and leaving on Mother’s day and First Communion~all those families had everything I wanted!
    When we first started down this path of IF and adoption, I asked my MIL where she got a plaque that hung in her hallway, it said “Do not pray for an easy life, pray for strength.” She got it at a craft show and gave it to me that day. I have it hanging in our bedroom and would/still do read it every morning and evening~it made a huge difference in my perspective!
    Hang in there!

  4. Molly Says:

    correction “do not pray for an easy life, pray to be a strong person!”


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